Jamie Doom...

Tuesday, August 23

Recently, I have had some friends ask me to repost one of my first posts about Linda. Yes I am doing reruns, but I'll have lots of original stuff in the days to come. I wrote this two years ago. Most of my friends are too lazy/stupid to go back through my archives and find it, so I am going to repost this for them. I hope you enjoy

Five Reason Why I’m the Greatest

English Tutor in All of China (and Maybe the World)

Before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not claiming to be the greatest English Teacher. I am not an English teacher. I have taught English though. I have a great deal of respect for all ESL teachers, but I do claim to be the Greatest English Tutor. How can I claim this? Read on.

I Incorporate Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting into My English Lessons. When Mr. and Mrs. Linda’s Parents first approached me about teaching Linda (see picture), I looked deep into their eyes (I’m am able to look deep into four eyes simultaneously) and asked them, “Do you want Linda to simply learn English or do you want her to learn English AND learn how to beat people with ordinary households sticks(see picture)? For just a few more RMB, I can teach your daughter more than English; I can teacher her a way of life—the way of Fluent English Speaking/Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting.” At first they were skeptical; but in no time, I had them seeing the value of a Bi-lingual, stick-swinging four year-old. Now, not a day goes by without them thanking me for transforming their cute four-year old into a chatty, English-speaking warrior. Now their only trouble is forgetting to hide the brooms and mops before they tell Linda (see picture) to go to bed or turn off the cartoons. But I think that’s kind of cute.
I Supply the Stick and the English Books. That’s right. Not only do I supply years of Native English Speaking experience and Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting experience*, but I also supply the stick…and the English books. Notice Linda’s stick (see picture) is purple with pink trim. What four-year old little girl wouldn’t want to thwap somebody’s noggin with those cute colors? I invested much thought into the color of her stick; and let me tell you, she loves it. In fact, one time I brought her back some children’s English books from Shenzhen, and she looked through them once then asked where her stick was. That’s dedication, and that’s knowing your stick color.
I Only Have One Student.** Linda (see picture) is my only student. She solely receives my vast wealth of English and Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting knowledge. I hate to brag (but I will), but Linda (see picture) has rapidly become one of the top English-Speaking Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting four-olds in all of China. Don’t let the cute face fool you. She’s a killer. I have seen her ruin people’s day with ordinary household sticks (see picture). Also, because she is my only English student I can tailor her lesson plans so she never learns stupid English words. Which bring me to my next point:
I Don’t Teach Stupid English Words. You will never hear Linda (see picture) say the word “hello.” In fact if you greet her with “hello,” you are just as likely to get a mouth full of stick as any other response. Linda (see picture) says “hi” like normal people. To explain why “hello” is so harmful here in China , first let me give you a little history. A long time ago China invented a little something called “Chinese water torture,” here in China known simply as “water torture.” In the ancient past, this was an effective means of making people crack/tell them secrets/agree to let them have the Olympics. But this is a new century now, and their methods are much more subtle than water torture. Now they use the ingenious “hello torture” instead. Some people (foreigners for instance) are subjected to thousands and thousands of “hellos” every day. Like the drops of water before it, it doesn’t seem so bad at first. At first, like the water, it seems refreshing. Quickly it becomes too much. Everywhere these people go they hear thousands of “hellos.” It usually ends tragically with some timid ESL teacher going crazy and punching some poor street vender in the face, getting kicked out of China , then going on Dave’s ESL Café and complaining about his school. Other useless or harmful English words or phrases I shelter my pupil from are: “politically correct”, “Yesterday Once More” and “boy bands.”
I Have Never Visited the Dave’s ESL Café Website. Somebody told me about it, and I took their advice and never visited that website. So the way I see it, I’m automatically five times smarter than any ESL tutor who has.

*Note # 1. You may wonder how I am such an expert at Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting. Perhaps, you have observed, I am neither ancient nor Chinese. Well, let me ask you a question. When did you become so narrow? Maybe if you would quit going to KKK meetings, you would have more time to read a little something called…books. Maybe then you could broaden your mind. But no, no, it’s much easier to stereotype people. (I enjoy getting upset about my own hypothetical questions. Is that wrong?) Also, when I was young, I was alone in the woods a lot (something I did?). My parents also never bought me toys. One day as I was trudging glumly through the woods alone and bewildered, I suddenly looked around and saw a forest full of sticks—Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting Sticks that is. These sticks became my friends and soon my world was changed. Years later I learned English as a native language. The rest is history (see picture).

**Note #2. Next summer I will be leaving China and going back to America . By then, Linda (see picture) will be getting on with the business of taking over the world with her stick; meanwhile, I’ll be available to teach English and Ancient Chinese Stick Fighting. I realize with the proliferation of MTV, video games and well…the Internet, most children in America can no longer use basic English words. I will be searching for one worthy pupil. Please don’t E-mail me though. I’ll find you.