Jamie Doom...

Thursday, August 18

Watch MTV or Eat a Rat?

(hypothetically speaking)

The other day I was chilling out in my modest yet classy abode in beautiful Asheville, NC , and I decided I would watch a little MTV. I was in the mood for some music, some videos, and maybe even some new music. So I changed the channel and waited for the music. This is MTV. Music Television. And I waited and waited and waited. I’m still waiting. Music Television is now made up of the most mind numbing, ignorant, proud of itself, smug reality shows on television, and that’s all. There is nothing else on MTV except reality TV. I understand now that if you’re after music, you are supposed to subscribe to MTV2. Dumb. So anyway, I switched over to VH1. Remember that channel? They used to play music and videos there for the more mature crowd, which I am quickly becoming. So I waited and waited and waited. Nothing.

It wasn’t that long ago, early to mid nineties, that VH1 had music. Am I wrong? In the place of music, we now have a show called Hogan Knows Best. It’s a cute little show about Hulk Hogan raising a family. Hulk Hogan still says “brother” a lot and dresses up like a pirate (which is actually kind of cool). He no longer wrestles now, though I can’t imagine what would stop him from still wrestling since everybody with a GED knows that it’s FAKE. So according to the show he, as it turns out, is a tough disciplinarian. I think that’s fake too, but anyway. After watching thirty minutes of this show, you feel like somebody has shot peanut butter through your ear hole into your brain. I’m not sure if that is medically possible, but that’s how you feel, like you are thinking through peanut butter. Hulk Hogan was a wrestler. He is now retired. His job title should tell you that his daily life, away from wrestling, is not going to be all that interesting. And it’s not. It’s not like now he is retired he has time to work on his newest symphony, or donate his time to the community, or cure the common cold. One day at the end of my life, I’m going to want thirty more minutes, and I’m going do die cursing VH1.

So every now and then, I go back to MTV, looking for music, but I am always rebuffed. Instead, I usually find Jessica Simpson or Ashley Simpson doing one of three things---saying something stupid, preparing to say something stupid, or finishing saying something stupid. For those of you who have trouble getting them straight, Jessica is the blonde with no talent, and Ashley is usually the brunette with no talent. I’m saying usually to the brunette part, not the talent part. She never has had any talent. Actually, as it turns out, she has built her career the same way Hulk Hogan has—by faking it. So I was watching some special about the Simpson sisters the other day, and their mind numbingly stupid entertainment father, and that’s when it hit me. Why do they lower the bar so much? If we can’t watch music on MTV anymore and evidently we can’t, why can’t we at least follow the lives of people who are smart or talented or have original thoughts? Ok, so the MTV nation has millions of mindless, drooling fans who are going to watch hours of whatever you decide to schedule. So why not schedule something a little bit smart? And don’t get me started on that show that will make millions of parents want to spay and neuter their children, Laguna Beach--or as I like to call it "The Sign the Apocalypse is On Us."

MTV only has one thing going for it now, and it will screw that up. It’s not a even a personality, it’s just a sound. It’s Pimp my Ride’s host Xzibit’s laugh. Amid all the noise and self-important droning, that is the only sound that keeps MTV from certain and immediate destruction by a benovelent higher power. If MTV ever loses that, it’s over.

So this is the bottom line. Hypothetically speaking, I would rather eat a rat than watch thirty minutes of MTV. Rats are not my favorite thing, but given the choice of would I rather subject my skull to blatant stupidity of MTV or the hypothetically furry comfort food called rat, I’ll eat the hypothetical rat. To make the point more clear, I have the following pictures below:

A cage full of rats, one of which I might hypothetically eat rather than watch MTV

What that rat might look like skinned and battered

How I might contemplate the hypothetical rat

What the hypothetical rat might look like if I were to put it in my mouth

and chew it

posted by: jmedoom at August 18, 2005 09:41 | link | comments (9) |

Comments:

#1 19 August 2005 - 04:39

whoa, wtf is hanging off where its head should be?

Anonymous

#2 20 August 2005 - 20:13

I was wondering how long you were able to hold the rat down before it removed itself.

Anonymous

#3 21 August 2005 - 16:25

Great blog Jamie! I hope to have some wild adventures when I'm in China next month. :)

-Phen.

http://spaces.msn.com/members/sgmac22

Anonymous

#4 21 August 2005 - 19:54

Wrestling is fake! Omigosh!

Question: Did you like the movie "Terminator"?

Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenneger is actually NOT a killer robot from the future? It's true! He was faking it the whole time!

How could you possibly enjoy the movie "Terminator", while knowing the entire time that it was a sham from beginning to end?

Anonymous

#5 21 August 2005 - 21:44

I haven't seen Terminator in a while. Two future govenors in one movie, wow. I think that is the most remarkable thing about your example of a movie I might be drawn into and enjoy. I know you jest about wrestling being fake...but in some parts of North Carolina...saying it is fake is still cause for fights and huge arguments. Of course those fights are small compared to the great Nascar perpetuated Ford vs. Chevy arguments. That being said, Hogan Knows Best sucks, which is the point of my well thought out, iconoclastic, earth shattering disertation.

jmedoom

#6 21 August 2005 - 21:49

Most people recognize the above post for what it is...a lame excuse for me to show pictures of myself eating a rat.

jmedoom

#7 21 August 2005 - 22:13

and how is eating rat any different from eating squirrel (which they do in south georgia and, i assume, in north carolina)? just goes to show that, if you batter and deep fry it, you can eat just about anything...and, if you smoke a little green, then batter and deep fry something, it's even better.

i mean, except your own dog. that's really beyond the whole reasonable assumption thing...your ex-girlfriend's dog is OK.

when i cared about nascar, plymouth ruled. richard petty and the superbird. now, i don't care, and plymouth barely exists...if that's not some sort of kosmic karma, i don't know what is.

music on television never worked anyway.

later, gator.

phatman in the bathtub.